A Man’s Place (In Response To Yesterday’s Comments)
Losing sight of the core that anchors our individualities is easy enough to do in the hustle and bustle of daily living. It’s even easier for the people around us to lose sight of the people we are or the people we strive to be, especially when there are only emails, phone calls and blogs to express our existences.
It’s apparent from the image at the top of the page, the one with my bald head envisioning an elusive future, that the pulsating desire for fatherhood resides at the core of my blog. Each post contains a snippet of my experiences I feel represents the complexities of my infertility experience, both good and bad – beauty marks and blemishes. What I write is truth in-full, but it is not my complete truth. I am more than my words will ever bind me to be, and Constance and I are more expansive than I can represent in this small space.
One thing I’ve never overtly stated is that I am a feminist and with every fiber I defend the necessity of both sexes to be allowed equal space in which to breathe, move and experience. When we have a kid I will stay home with him/her, and I will continue to cook the meals and dole out fashion advice as I do now. I also will continue to watch football all day Sunday. Constance will continue to make more money than I do and manage our finances. She also will continue to obsess over her makeup and hair.
We are who we are, we give each other freedom to play to our strengths and it has nothing to do with our sexes or sexualities. I’ve been told on more than one occasion, when expressing my opinion on various matters in our quest toward parenthood, that I’m out of line and out of my element. I’ve been told countless times (by people that have never met me) that my penis thinks for me and that it’s not my place to have an opinion on breast feeding or birthing options.
Penises are great and all, and I, just like everyone, have moments of every day when desire brands my thoughts. But I think with my brain, and I use it frequently and as thoughtfully as I can. Constance, likewise, doesn’t allow her vagina to rule the roost or her roles in society. We are a team, and I am passionate enough about our relationship, our future and maintaining our equality that I don’t believe there is anything that I’m not allowed to at least talk about with my wife.
I just want to be clear since most of you have never met me – I don’t believe there’s a place that solely belongs to men or women. I realize that I’m fighting an uphill battle for credibility due to the sins of the men who’ve come before me, and I know I’ll encounter plenty of folks along the way who think I have no business sticking my foot in the domestic ring. But I’ve decided that my place is anywhere Constance and I live, together, in comprehensive equality – penis included.
I’m going to devote the rest of my days to making it known that this man’s place has both pink and blue walls, and no gender-specific limits.
Filed under: Diversions, When I'm a Dad ...
“I don’t believe there’s a place that solely belongs to men or women” - AMEN to that…the world would be such a boring place if this were true.
Truthfully, one of the many reasons that brings me back to this site, to this space, to this tiny expression of who you (and Constance to some measure) are…is the VERY fact that your voice is different and ISN’T what one might expect (or has come to expect) from a man’s perspective. Not to sound creepy, but yours and Constance’s relationship echoes mine with my husband on many levels (including the many MANY ways in which you march to your own beat)….finally, a voice with which I can relate.
Don’t censor, don’t apologize….just write.
Oh Matt, you’re “this is what a feminist” pic is adorable! We all love you.
Reading the rest of the comments from yesterday’s post should have made me feel better because of the overwhelming support you guys got, but instead I find myself a little irked at Katrina’s input on unexplained IF, as we are also unexplained.
We did IUI’s, medicated and no, and one of them DID work (for a while) so it’s not as if unexplained equals IVF (though, I will say that we DID end up there and had and fail even before getting more permanently pg)….and it’s short-sighted to say that you should just skip to IVF, imo, because…well, HELLO, it’s EXPENSIVE. We ended up spending around 100k all said and done, and only ONE of those cycles was fruitful (knock on wood)….however, could I say I wouldn’t have done it over again? Do I think that we made stupid choices? No.
Our doctors never mentioned the thought that we should jump into IVF. If they would have, I would have wondered if they were more money-hungry than helpful.
:p
HERE HERE!!!
here here, indeed! and while i’m merely echoing the chorus, i’d like to reiterate wn’s statement. . . “Don’t censor, don’t apologize….just write.”
who you are comes across quite clearly in your blog, matt. you’re a good egg, pure and simple.
*applause, applause*
unexplained and knocked up (so far) w/o ivf or iui (clmid +prog.)
Sir Matt - you are most amazing.
This post truly exhibits your strength, courage and grace. Keep holding strong.
Sending my love to you and Constance.
Oh, wow, I had to go back and look at the comments to see what the other people were talking about. I didn’t think what you guys decided was selfish or cruel. A blog doesn’t really show who you truly are. It is just one snippet of your life. I know I’ve been blasted on my adoption blog and all blog buddies came to my defense. I’m glad to see the same for you.
My husband would luv, luv, luv to be a SAHD, but he is the major earner in our family so it doesn’t make sense. Really, he is far better at cooking, cleaning, and playing than I am. He truly knows how to have fun w/kids whereas I’m just learning.
So, no don’t apologize!! A blog is a spot to share w/others and hopefully “meet” people who are in a similar situation. I wish you guys luck!
I’m sorry you felt you had to defend yourself on your own blog. I’m with the above commenters, please keep writing. I appreciate your point of view
If all feminists were like you and Constance I might consider becoming one. Thank you for setting such a great example. I’m sorry I missed all the drama yesterday or I would have jumped in to defend you both. I think you both rock and especially Constance’s mother for being so understanding. This is HER grandchild you are trying to make here and I am sure she has an interest in seeing that happen.
Thank you.
I don’t think you really needed to write this post, although it’s certainly worth writing. It’s obvious to anyone who’s read your blog for any length of time that you are a feminist. IMO.
Be honest Matt, you obsess about you hair too, right?
Um, I’m not actually sure what provoked the attack yesterday. There was a conflict of schedules, a decision needed to be made one way or the other, two days is unlikely to make a difference given the situation… in fact, if I’d started infertility meds, I’d be following through with the cycle, for the sake of my health (or, in your case, your wife’s health). I just wouldn’t want to be using any more than was *necessary* and I know for a fact my mum would agree, even if she had just been diagnosed with cancer (again - she’s better now).
That was at the top of my mind - take the extra few days, give the drugs their chance. And obviously Constance’s mum was on board with the idea, too. But I also think you must obsess over your hair just a little. Otherwise how would that scalp get so smooth?
Bea
To be honest Matt, if anyone had been reading your blog long enough or with much attention, they’d be able to tell, as I did first off, that you were indeed a feminist!
I’m sorry you felt the need to defend yourself for the sake of just the one negative commenter. The rest of us, the majority, seem to get you perfectly and if we didn’t like it, we wouldn’t read.
And your baldy is very well groomed, should be proud
Yup, I checked in my Webster dictionary…and lo and behold your photo was there too next Femenist…
I applaude your latest entry…but don’t feel like you EVER have to justify any of your actions to anyone!
Keep up the good work!
I want to thank each of you. It’s a wonderful feeling to be so supported in this community. I agree that no one should feel the need to defend themselves on their own blog (that’s a dang nice sentiment, too). I think more than anything the comments from the previous post sparked such amazing discussion among both readers and the two of us that Matt wanted to talk the outcome of that experience. Thank you most of all for writing this, Matty. I miss you down here in NC.
On a seperate note, I wanted to let you know that my mom is doing well this week — she is in some pain, but has a good sense of humor. She’s been through the first round of tests and is going to Duke next week to chart a treatment plan. At this point, we feel confident that she can beat this again with flying colors. We are keeping our fingers tightly crossed and will know more soon.
Perhaps “pro-feminist” is a more appropriate term given that you are, technically, a member of the oppressive class. Not to mention white! Truthfully, I don’t think you are an oppressor, of course. But from my research, which I can assure you is extensive enough that I would have been paying off student loans well into my own children’s college years had I not done really well in the pre-slump DC real estate market, most women who call themselves feminists (particularly those in academia) find it disrespectful when a man takes on that term. You can no more co-op the experiences of women any more than I can the experiences of someone who is of another race than mine.
Best to Constance’s mother.
Applause indeed. This is an exquisite response. As always, warm thoughts to both of you.
P.S. I call myself feminist and never find it offensive when a man does so. “Feminist” is a word that has taken such a complex set of interpretations, that I do not think anyone can say anyone is or is not a Feminist. It’s like being Jewish or whatever–it’s about what is in your heart.
I can see where you’re coming from, Chris, but I completely disagree with you. And, seeing as there are huge divides in the feminist community, we will have to agree to do just that. My wife has a Masters in Women’s Public Policy, is a feminist leader in the city of Chicago and she too has done enough research to know that there are a slew of feminists that disagree with your assertion. She proudly calls me a feminist.
Co-opting a woman’s experiences is not what labeling yourself a feminist means. That would be claiming I was a woman, or that because I know women I have suffered as they have (which I haven’t). I’ve had countless women in my life, from 20-60 years of age, thank me for saying that I’m a feminist.
And, since there are a lot of women that are part of the oppressive class, those that abhor feminist beliefs, it just doesn’t hold up that the only way into the club is by being a woman. I guess no amount of research elicits all of the answers for every person. I guess it’s better to offend on this side of the equation than the other.
Thanks for your thoughtful response, Chris.
*applauds*
Oh and this feminist sees no reason why feminists can only be women, it’s all about equality afterall.
Maybe someday, you and Pan, Constance and I can all get together and head out to a sand bar for steaks and wine. You and Pan would get along marvelously as he is much like you (except he does make more money than I). More power to you and Constance for standing firm.
Goodness! There has been a whirlwind of activity over here in the last few days. I guess no matter how hard some may try (or not try), they cannot mask their unsolicited opinions and ’spewage’. Know that many of us on here appreciate your perspective on things and with the small sliver of information we have about you and Constance, we think very highly of the both of you.
Just, bravo. We happen to think penises and vaginas are equally awesome, equally empowered. You just have to know what to do, and what not to do, with them.
I think you managed to find a hot button!
Sorry you felt the need to defend yourself on your own site. Regardless, I loved this post. I truly enjoy reading the adventures of Matt and Constance!
I think it’s great when a man labels himself a feminist. It’s become far too much of a dirty word in some circles, sadly.
Oh, holy Hannah Montana - your blog, your rules, ‘nuf said - I believe you’ve stated yourself beautifully, missy ;o)
I know this is a really old post, but I’m reading your blog from the beginning and I just had to remark on this post!
Thank you Matt, for being a proud male feminist! We need more like you. I cannot describe the pride and happiness I felt when my husband told me the following:
At his place of work, a female co-worker made a remark about “girl” push-ups v. “boy” push-ups. My husband said something about that being a sexist way to frame it and she should instead call “girl” push-ups “modified” push-ups. She rolled her eyes and said “Oh boy, don’t tell me your a…” and he cut her off and said “Damn straight I’m a feminist!”
We need more men around the world to embrace the basic tenets of feminism and be proud to proclaim themselves as proponents of such. Thanks again!
Rock on, Poogles.