Last night I couldn’t fall asleep because I had failed to eat enough following my run. Shepherds pie is tasty and all, but I’ve logged 10 miles over the last two days and frankly, I needed something more along the lines of a fat, juicy steak to satiate my appetite. One negative thing about being a work-at-home-dad is that my time to eat is usually brief and on-the-fly. I’ve lost weight since working from home because sometimes, I just don’t have time to make anything more than peanut butter smeared on the nearest flat, edible surface.

But I digress.

Since I couldn’t sleep, I turned on my trusty friend, Juan Antonio TV, and commenced watching TCM’s showing of the Haley Mills classic, The Parent Trap.

Now if you can put behind you the creepiness that ensues the moment the opening-credits puppet show begins, a lighthearted tone will sweep you away. It is quickly established that this will be another warm, throw-back, family-values Disney flick that makes you yearn for days of yore even though the rational side of you knows that the days of yore were just as bizarre as the days of now.

Normally when I watch this movie I’m reminded of my mother-in-law’s rant about the negative light it casts upon step mothers and how even more atrocious it is to send the message to kids that there is hope - your parents might get back together someday if you help manipulate the situation. Because really - aren’t all divorced couples still in love despite how much they hate each other?

Last night, however, it dawned on me for the first time that the aforementioned message is the least of my concerns with that film.

“Holy hell,” I thought to myself. “They got divorced and divided up their twins.”

I mean, can you honestly think of anything more vile and disgusting than breaking up with your spouse and saying, “Well, we have these two kids. Twins at that. I suppose the only fair thing to do is for each of us to take one.”

“Yes, that sounds fair to me so long as we do the same with our collection of Rodgers and Hammerstein vinyl.”

I mean are you for serious? These people should have had their children taking away from them. And worse still, say you’ve got 2 people who are just bat-shit crazy enough to go through with such a heinous thing - but what about the complicity of the grandparents? Honestly, I think I might be ruined for this film for the rest of my life.

I love me some Haley Mills almost as much as I love me some Shelly Long, but this is just too much. I always had been willing to forgive the dark paraplegic twist at the end of Pollyanna and the messed up message about reconciliation from The Parent Trap. I even forgive her for not continuing her role in Saved By The Bell beyond the initial run of Good Morning, Miss Bliss. But this I cannot abide.

I bid you adieu, The Parent Trap. Now that’s some f-ed up s@*t right there I tell you what.

Filed under: Daddy Things, Diversions, On a Rant