Stupidest Injury Ever
Two years ago I knocked myself out while brushing my teeth. Above the white pedestal sink in our last apartment sat a small glass shelf upon which we placed a ceramic container filled with q-tips and cotton balls. Once the timer on my electric toothbrush told me 2 minutes of brushing had been completed, I pushed the off button and lowered my head to spit. I lowered my head very hard and very fast.
And also very close to the aforementioned glass shelf.
My forehead collided against the glass so hard it pushed the shelf through the drywall and into the wall. Before making it to the ground, I hit my head on the sink and then pooled into an unconscious puddle on the tile. That was the stupidest injury I had ever inflicted upon myself.
Until yesterday, that is.
Since Wednesday morning I have been hobbling around, shuffling my feet as if clutching a walker, barely able to stand, walk, sit or move with any semblance of fluidity. At first I thought it was a kidney infection. I have had kidney stones twice in my life, and the intense, dull pain in my lower back, abdomen and groin echoed those painful events. And, it made sense. On Monday night I went for an 8-mile run and 4 miles into said run, I had to pee.
Never before have I encountered this basic need while running, and since it was 8:30 PM in Chicago, there weren’t a lot of restroom options. So, I opted to run the final 4 miles home. By the time I got home, I was in a considerable amount of pain. When the intense pain began less than 2 days later, I assumed my decision to hold it had given me a kidney infection.
Dr. Brown, our family physician, gave me a full exam yesterday afternoon and, to my surprise, revealed that my kidneys were fine. The real issue at-hand was not an infection nor was it the compromise of a major organ – the real issue was that I had pulled muscles in my back, abdomen and groin as a result of holding my pee while running. It makes sense, if you think about the muscles you clench while holding it, but come on! After my tooth-brush concussion I never imagined a day in which I’d have a more embarrassing injury in my life. But this wins - hand’s down.
So, please make me feel better. If you have a humiliating injury report to share, please do. Right now I’m trying not to laugh at my own stupid self, mainly because it hurts. Unfortunately the muscle relaxers turn even the stupidest injury ever into comic gold.
Filed under: Doctor, Doctor
Oh I have one… When I was a sophomore in high school, we were playing Knock Out in basketball practice. This is a really dumb freethrow shooting game between 2 people. Really slow and low-impact. Well I somehow collapsed on my knee and managed to crack my shin bone, tear my miniscus and MCL, and pull my kneecap over to the inside of my leg. It was really horribly painful and I was in a straight-leg brace for 6 weeks. It was so, so stupid though. I literally don’t know how it happened.
Once, in college, I was walking down the main staircase (a spiral staircase, in fact) carrying a big pile of books, papers, and notecards. In my socks. And I slipped on the plastic at the edge of the step and I went back and the books and cards and notebooks and all the individual papers went up in a beautiful arc ALL OVER and all the way down the stairs. And I got a huge bruise on my tush in front of everyone. Boy, did I feel dumb.
Total lurker here, but you’ve called me out - this is my topic! I once slipped on a frozen loogie and fell. All the way to the ground. I fell and broke my arm just walking. I got a black eye once from a bar of soap. (That one was me doing my best calgon commercial reinactment with one leg up in the air in the bathtub. Soap fell .. in slow motion … into my eye socket.) What else? I got a papercut during a bookbinding class IN MY NOSTRIL. It was cardstock. I think my favorite was when I was running from my car to my parents door and fell over sideways and skinned my knee and elbow. We were just on our way to the theater. My dad, who I get my clumsiness from, decked me out with “the only band-aids in the house.” Novelty bacon strip bandaids. To the theater. In my summer dress. I’m 37 years old, thanks Dad! Hope all that helps. Your pee strain one is funnier than all of mine though. Nice!
I tore my ACL last spring by dropping a baby crib mattress on it. I was lowering the girls’ crib mattresses, and somehow managed to drop it so that it hit the front of my knee, hyperextended it, and tore the ligament the rest of the way.
Now I get vaguely nervous every time I change their sheets…
While dating my husband, we went to a “foam” party. It is just a bunch of bubbles that fill a certain area. I was very excited to say the least! I picked up a little jog and DOVE into the foam! Needless to say, it is nothing like apool and my head collided very hard into the floor. We had to leave:(
When I was 9 or 10 I went and stood on a spare car wheel, as you do at that age.
I shoved my hands into my tight 1987 jeans pockets and proceeded to rock to and fro on the wheel.
Inevitably I rocked too far at one stage and slowly toppled over and fell forward.
This would have been unremarkable had I been able to get my hands our of my pockets in time and stopped myself from literally falling on, and breaking, my face.
I have one, maybe wont top yours but funny indeed. When I was 18 or 19 I was walking down the street holding hands with my at the time boyfriend. As we are walking I spot an uber HOT guy on the other side of the street. I was so mesmarized that I failed to notice the light pole right in front of me and completely walked right into it. The next thing you know, I’m on the ground with a giant melon sized bump in the middle of my forehead and a boyfriend that knew it was not so into him.
when i was 16 i fell asleep on the floor watching tv. the phone rang and (hoping it was a boy named jason) i stood up to answer it. i guess my foot had also fallen asleep because unfortunately …i broke my foot standing up. and no…it wasn’t jason.
My are short but fun — I seriously broke my baby toe when I was 19 dancing around my dorm room to whatever was on MTV by stepping on a 2 lb dumbbell which subsequently rolled forward toward the floor and was follwed by a rather disturbing “crunch”. And shortly after we moved here, my job took me a to Congressman’s office for a committee meeting where I promptly slipped on wet stairs coming out of the bathroom, flew up into the air and then landed flat on my back/tailbone. I got workers comp for slipping in a Congressman’s bathroom.
Constance that could have made for some interesting tabloid fodder
Last Aug I nearly broke my ankle. How you ask? Simply by stepping off my deck step onto a FLAT piece of concrete that is the patio…still have NO IDEA what the heck I did that day…
Hubby and I were in a car accident that required me to get 2 stitches in my forehead. Yup…I was leaning forward in the seat with the visor half pulled down…hit from behind…bammed my bean right of the edge of the visor…which was vynal coated…yeah…try explaining that in the ER…
Oh, I am so the queen of this! I sprained my ankle when sitting in a chair with my leg folded under me and the chair collapsed. Two weeks later I slipped on the handicap ramp at work and fell, twisting the same ankle under me–workers comp and physical therapy, thankyouverymuch. A few months after that I was in our kitchen talking to my husband, and stretched my arms above my head–and right into the ceiling fan and sprained my wrist. And a couple of years ago we rode bikes–the first time I’d been on one in nearly twenty years. I panicked when we went up a (very steep) bridge and ended up losing control, riding the bike right into the man-made lake at the bottom of the bridge. Though that was more of an injury to my dignity than my body…
We were recently married and our new house had wood floors and stairs. It was cold out and I had nice cushy socks on. I attempted to WALK down the stairs but slipped on the first step and was accelerated down the stairs by my swishy pants with such force that each bump made me pee my pants. I got to the bottom and my new husband came running to see if I was ok and he wanted to inspect my butt. I told him I was fine because I didn’t want him to see that I had whizzed myself. My tush was instantly black and blue. I later found out that I had cracked my tailbone.
I broke my ankle two weeks before leaving for college just by walking out the front door…the step was maybe 8 inches, but I landed funny and crack! So much for having a clean slate in college-my dorm didn’t have an elevator, I lived on the third floor, so the school had our freshmen counselors carry me. It was mortifying!
Ohhh, I am very cruelly giggling my head off hear. So to make up for it I shall list my silliest injuries:
Getting illicitly drunk on cherry brandy at school when seventeen, climbing up unto a table to dance, and promptly falling straight off it again and spraining my ankle. Explaining that to the school nurse was appalling - I just could not stop laughing, and my friends nearly disowned me.
The only time I stayed in a youth hostel, I was getting out of the shower, wrapped in a (very large) towel and carrying my clothes, heading back to the dorm to dress as the horrible minute cubicle was too wet and horrible to get dressed in. I promptly slipped and fell flat on my back in the middle of the corridor. The towel flew open. I lay there stark naked and winded as a group of seven Bible Class boys walked past, all carefully averting their eyes, and the last one FELL OVER ME. Oy.
Or the time in after volley-ball class, when I was helping to take down the net. I was carrying one of the poles into the store and, err, was carrying it horizontally. Until I hit the door-frame. And winded myself and dropped the pole on my foot. Of course, everyone else was too busy shrieking with laughter to come and help me up.
Or the time I, in a white dress, climbed into a hammock and was handed a large glass of fruit-juice by the boy I had a crush on at the time. The rope of the hammock promptly snapped and dumped me on the grass with my dress over my head and red fruit-juice all over my knickers.
Or the time I was mending a 100-year-old book (part of my job) and having reconstructed the spine, I raised my head and tossed my loose hair back over my shoulder. Whereapon the book flew across the room, taking a lock of my hair with it - that I had oh so carefully glued into the new spine…
I hope you recover very very quickly. That sounds SO painful.
I know you live in a big city and you’re not French (they pee on the streets in Paris, unfortunately), but you couldn’t find one little tree to step behind and pee?
Okay, one time when I was very young (okay, 25) and wasn’t used to having my lady parts poked and prodded, I had an abnormal pap. So they told me I needed to come in and have a biopsy done of my cervix, the very sound of which produced a lot of anxiety. So I went in and waited and waited. And because I didn’t know what to expect and because I wasn’t wearing pants and I was scared to death, my stomach started to act funny. And you know, I started to get a bit gassy. But of course, being a delicate flower, I didn’t actually pass it but held it in. And waited. And waited. When the doctor finally came in, the biopsy was quick and relatively painless, but I still hadn’t passed this incredible amount of gas for fear that someone would come in and notice. So I determined that I would wait until I got into the parking lot. When I finaly got into the elevator, because I had been holding my breath, I fainted. When I woke up, with a young nurse over me, there was the distinct smell of fart. Apparently, I’d done it while passed out.
And yes, I still hold it even though I now know the dangers.
2 weeks ago, after pizza and only TWO glasses of wine, I fell off my new 2 inch wedge heels in the parking lot, while holding our 16 mo. old. He was fine. I totally wrenched my ankle, scraped both knees, put a big ol’purple bruise on my shoulder, and mooned half of Mellow Mushroom, as I was wearing a short dress at the time. I had to stay off my ankle for 2 days, and ice it. From falling off MY SHOES.
I once got a brushburn on my face when I walked into a wall (and slid down the wall using my face) while sleepwalking.
Stupid Injury: I tried to “catch” the electric hedgetrimmer last Spring. It got heavy…and somehow in my small brain, I thought that I could catch the blade as it fell out of my hands (while it was still plugged in)…smart!
Embarrassing Injury: I threw my back out on the last day of our two-week honeymoon a few years back. I work as the only female in a group full of men….I’m still not done hearing the end of that one.
Here’s one in the totally preventable column - I fell asleep on the beach on Catalina Island, burned my part, down my back, my butt, the backs of my legs, and all the way down to the bottoms of my toes. Owie, owie, owie…
Once I hit a baseball that bounced on home plate and back up into my glasses, promptly driving the wire rim into my eyebrow. I thought I was ok until I saw the two rivulets of blood run down the outside of my glasses lens, psycho style. I put some ice on it and went to Disneyland the next day.
As a senior in high school, I was taken out at home plate by an opposing player named Felicity, just about as far from the TV Felicity you could get, more like the incredible hulk. It wasn’t too hard a hit, but in my attempt to hold onto the throw from right field, I managed to tear ligaments in my back and pelvis. I could bend over at the waist, but then I needed help to stand up. Good times.
I was showing off for company and tried to “sharpen” my pinkie finger in my new monogrammed ELECTRIC pencil sharpener! (Thank goodness I can say that I was 7 or so…)
I really really enjoy your blog and hope your dreams come true very soon. Hang in there!
I heard about your blog from the ad in Shelf Awareness, and had to check it out. You totally inspired me to write about my own most embarrassing injury. Thanks, and good luck!
When I was in fifth grade in the winter, during recess a bunch of us were playing dodgeball. On ice.
I dodged, slipped, and fell, breaking my glasses and cutting my eyebrow open. I still have that scar as a reminder…not to play dodgeball on ice, I guess.
I was 14 years old and flirtaciously running from my then crush, Josh. (We were at a hockey rink, and while Josh had chosen to skate, I had decided that I could maintain my balance much easier while wearing my sneakers. ) As Josh got closer to “getting” me, I sped up just enough to pull ahead. I looked back to see Josh, and just then, slammed into the 1/2 wall that separates the hockey players from the ice. I had enough momentum that I did a straight-body flip face first into an open top garbage can that had just had a particularly cheesy batch of nachos discarded into it.
I was so embarassed I almost stayed there.