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Footloose and Father’s Day Free

George Oscar Bluth, Sr.Father’s Day was not the emotional hurdle some might expect for a child-hungry husband such as me. Sprinting past the awesomely hot day, packing our kitchen into 10 over-sized, over-stuffed boxes, Constance and I loaded season two of Arrested Development on the MacBook and George-Bluthed (hid) ourselves from the world in our air-conditioned mess. We landed every single jump in the baby-free race without disturbing a single obstacle in our path.

Despite distancing ourselves from the paternal festivities, the wafts of barbecued meats and the thump of bat-meets-ball filtered through our thin windows. Perhaps the mere suggestion that parenthood had infiltrated our home is what caused the onset of Constance’s pizza face. Chin pimples are the signal fire for her incoming period, which means the outlook for peeing our way to two lines this month is waning.

“Maybe you’ll be a father by next year at this time,” Constance said as she laced her wool winter coat through the Tiffany sangria pitcher and the inherited trifle dish, which has yet to see a trifle of trifle since leaving her mother’s cabinet.

“Maybe. I hope so.”

“That’ll be a stretch, though” she said. “We’d have to get pregnant pretty soon.” Beyond a brief mention of her worsening zits, we didn’t mention parenthood for the rest of the day after that. We poured ourselves a glass of locally made apple wine, and drew calmness via distraction. Even my chat with my dad was brief due to waking him mid-nap. With nothing to celebrate and no fathers inhabiting our physical space, it felt like any other day.

Today we received an e-mail forward that nearly derailed the whole thing. It was titled, “Calmness in our Lives,” and it smacked of all those cheesy attempts at soul revival via chain-mail spamming that ultimately render my soul as arid as an hour of eavesdropping on twenty-somethings at Starbucks. Our friend even wrote, “I am not into forwards usually but this one for some reason made me think of you all …”


I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

I think there’s still a 1/2 a bottle of apple wine in the fridge. Perhaps it’s time to finish what we started, if for no other reason than to give Constance and me a confidence boost with so many of our challenges ongoing, and so much of our future hanging in the balance. Besides, I’m not a father yet – I might as well let my hair down while I still can.

Metaphorically, of course.

22 Responses to “Footloose and Father’s Day Free”

  1. Ah, the confidence of apple wine. We are so letting our hair down after kid(s) of course, too. How else can I ensure that our child(ren) will be completely embarrassed by me? And really, all kids should be embarrassed by one parent at the very least. Our kid(s) will be doubly lucky to have BOTH of us :)

  2. I have gotten that forward before! Best of luck with the rest of the packing and all of the other stuff…..

  3. We felt left out yesterday. Well, I felt left out on behalf of my husband..
    Good forward though :-)

  4. That is hilarious. I have to admit as soon as I saw the words “Dr. Phil” my dinner was threatening to make a reappearance, but then after seeing the rest, I was chortling with the best of them. In any case, be sure to drink in moderation when you pack up the dishes–booze breeds complacency which inevitably leads to broken mugs, bowls, glasses and plates.

  5. I feel for ya.

    I had a miscarriage last year on mother’s day, and that really sucked.

    Unfinished. huh, that about sums up my life right now…

  6. Hoping for you that you are at least daddy-to-be very soon.

    Hope, hope, hope, and when all else fails…wine is a good substitute!! :)

  7. I was really thinking you were going to start telling me to “get real” or push me to sign up on even though I’m married…

    Thankfully, by the end, it just made me think of all the leftover alcohol I have sitting idly in my fridge and the ways in which we can torture our future children with letting our “hair” down.

  8. Beware the drunken packing!!! Otherwise you end up finding the blender in the box with your chonies!

  9. Thank goodness for the second half of that email. I hope you had fun following the instructions.

  10. hmmm I’m sure we have some leftover wine, and does an open bottle of whisky count as leftovers?

  11. Good luck w/the remainder of packing!

    Hope that on next Father’s Day you are a daddy or a daddy to be!

  12. Great fwd. I seem to have no problems finishing open bottles of wine though…

  13. FYI, there will probably still be a pimply welcoming party when the successful cycle finally does arrive. good luck with the move!

  14. Sounds like you made the best of the day that you could, packing and all. Good luck with the move. Wine is the best mellower of all.

  15. hahahaha i like the way you read the cheesy email and took it to heart! good job!

  16. Great post. I’m hoping father’s day next year brings something to celebrate…

  17. i hope next father’s day is going to be your day. best of luck with the move — and hey, i’m all for the drunken packing. you just have to make sure you’re drunk when you unpack too. this way it will all make sense.

  18. Good luck moving/packing/unpacking! Im glad that Im not the only one that gets those “you must pass this email on or else” emails. I’m THAT person that doesn’t forward forwards

  19. You WILL be daddy soon. And you’ll be needing more apple wine when you do. :-)

  20. I was pretty concerned about exactly what you were going to post (I hate almost all forwards) but I actually laughed out loud. Good one.

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