Father’s Day was not the emotional hurdle some might expect for a child-hungry husband such as me. Sprinting past the awesomely hot day, packing our kitchen into 10 over-sized, over-stuffed boxes, Constance and I loaded season two of Arrested Development on the MacBook and George-Bluthed (hid) ourselves from the world in our air-conditioned mess. We landed every single jump in the baby-free race without disturbing a single obstacle in our path.
Despite distancing ourselves from the paternal festivities, the wafts of barbecued meats and the thump of bat-meets-ball filtered through our thin windows. Perhaps the mere suggestion that parenthood had infiltrated our home is what caused the onset of Constance’s pizza face. Chin pimples are the signal fire for her incoming period, which means the outlook for peeing our way to two lines this month is waning.
“Maybe you’ll be a father by next year at this time,” Constance said as she laced her wool winter coat through the Tiffany sangria pitcher and the inherited trifle dish, which has yet to see a trifle of trifle since leaving her mother’s cabinet.
“Maybe. I hope so.”
“That’ll be a stretch, though” she said. “We’d have to get pregnant pretty soon.” Beyond a brief mention of her worsening zits, we didn’t mention parenthood for the rest of the day after that. We poured ourselves a glass of locally made apple wine, and drew calmness via distraction. Even my chat with my dad was brief due to waking him mid-nap. With nothing to celebrate and no fathers inhabiting our physical space, it felt like any other day.
Today we received an e-mail forward that nearly derailed the whole thing. It was titled, “Calmness in our Lives,” and it smacked of all those cheesy attempts at soul revival via chain-mail spamming that ultimately render my soul as arid as an hour of eavesdropping on twenty-somethings at Starbucks. Our friend even wrote, “I am not into forwards usually but this one for some reason made me think of you all …”
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
I think there’s still a 1/2 a bottle of apple wine in the fridge. Perhaps it’s time to finish what we started, if for no other reason than to give Constance and me a confidence boost with so many of our challenges ongoing, and so much of our future hanging in the balance. Besides, I’m not a father yet – I might as well let my hair down while I still can.
Metaphorically, of course.