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Baby Making with the Stars

Blame for my disdain could squarely fall upon the Herculean shoulders of one Mr. Eldrick “Tiger” Woods, but were I to heave it there I’d have to toss it on the petite, bony backs of Ms. Julia Fiona Roberts and Ms. Keri “Felicity” Russell, as well. I fear that their waifish frames couldn’t support my colossal angst, however, so unless I acquiesce to snapping them in half, effectively ending the genre of romantic comedy as we know it, like Atlas I shall stand.

Celebrity babies are falling from the sky like perfect, privileged rain drops that keep pelting me in the eye while I sprint down the street looking for an awning under which to duck. I cannot continue to stand idly beneath their downpour and absorb their arrival or read about them in my morning newspaper day after day – I just want to be dry.

Celebrities deserve babies, and I’m sure they deserve their blinding beauty and padded bank accounts, too, but enough already. At this rate, Julia Roberts will front her own co-ed soccer squad by the time we have one measly baby. So, to rebuff their frequent fertility, I am abandoning all celebrity news until we get pregnant. No more Pink is the New Blog, no more TMZ and certainly no more People.com. I’m done, and if I spy my local newspaper passing off the birth of another Jolie/Pitt creation as headline fodder, I will cancel my subscription effective immediately.

Surly? You betcha. Constance’s pizza chin began expanding into an all-out pizza face by late Monday night, and perhaps it’s merely the emergence of her Italian heritage, but as of this morning her body isn’t so much of a wonderland as it is a pizzeria. Her period is coming soon, and then we’ll be moving on to the next steps with our reproductive endocrinologist.

What those steps might be, however, we do not know. You could ask me to map the lineage of Martha Washington or quilt a sombrero and I’d probably have a better idea of the task ahead.

Novices like me, or any member of the Atari/Sega/Nintendo generation who appreciates the simplicity of retro graphic capabilities, might find this bizarre tool over at MSNBC both useful and entertaining. “Making baby the high-tech way” is an interactive presentation of the vast opportunities for infertile couples to become pregnant. From ovarian stimulation via drugs to in-vitro to intracytoplasmic sperm injection, which sounds Ghostbusters-ian in method, this tool shows you what occurs in the body during different treatments.

I could spend days watching that animated sperm being sucked into an eerily intrusive tube whose methodical movements remind me of a slow-moving serial killer in a horror film.

Which, sadly, isn’t far from reality for those undergoing intracytoplasmic sperm injection.

It has, however, been a good primer for a non-celeb like me who is dealing with taking the next steps to solve infertility. Perhaps if I could find a way to get famous in the next few months we could put this all to rest: Mother Nature obviously prefers her fertile lands be populated by devastatingly gorgeous, successful humans. If all else fails we’ll get Julia Roberts to be our surrogate. I’ve always wished for a child with an inexplicably large mouth and a laugh that could crack paint.

27 Responses to “Baby Making with the Stars”

  1. I did just read something about Courtney Cox and IVF, but then again I don’t really believe any celeb news unless I read it in People because they are gutless, celeb suck-ups there who only print, you know, the truth as confirmed by celebs themselves. Geez. Takes all the fun out of it. As for my pizza-esque state, I will say I’ve always disliked John Mayer as a lyricist (STICK TO THE GUITAR!), but will stand up for my skin’s honor — the face is now back to smooth and normal, but two unwelcome blemishes have made their way onto my left arm and several more have decided to make a home on my torso. I blame period + pantyhose. Both evil yet useful at the same time.

  2. for some reason i thought i heard julia did IVF but maybe i’m making that up? and ICSI is so not a big deal, by the way, should you find yourself there some day. i’m hoping you get your ticket out of IF land sooner though. good luck with all that lies ahead, whatever it may be.

  3. When I saw the little tube going after the sperm I wanted to yell “Run spermy, run!” It looked like he was being sucked up by some alien life form (although I am so greatful this technology exists).

    The one radio station I can get in my office (damn, not streaming rule) talks about the baby boom at least 4 times a day. It has been rumored that Julie used IVF for her twins and that this pregnancy was a surprise! It would be nice if she would come forward with her IF if that is indeed how her twins came to be, but I understand when you live your life in front of the lens like that some things need to be private. It is shame that more of the celebs don’t come out-it could do a lot of good for the cause!

  4. I’m almost certain her twins were IVF, this last one I’m not too sure about. And Courtney Cox did do IVF, a few times apparently, miscarriages included.

    But still, there definitely seems to be more fertile celebs than not and I gave up my “people” mags ages ago, it too was started to grate my raw infertile nerves!

  5. I never read them and now I’m glad. That would have annoyed me as well. I keep saying a little prayer for you and Constance. I’m glad you are still trying and keeping the humor going. I know once when we had to have ‘it’ at a certain time, I drew a picture on my body… the eyes were the b..bs, the belly button the nose… you get the idea. It added a good laugh and helped us relax. Didn’t get my pregnant that time, but it was fun.

  6. Thank you for providing me with a good laugh on what would ordinarily be just another Wednesday (and a rainy one at that!). I think the ‘laugh that could crack paint’ is what really got the biggest chuckle. I am sorry that you feel that this cycle wasn’t a winner, but never say never…

  7. LMAO, I love the ICSI demo on MSN. However, their explanations were sometimes pretty simplistic for my tastes….and where’s all the GOOD stuff. Show me some ovaries growing so many follies they feel like beach balls…mine always did! :)

    I think that Julia’s twins were IF treatment, too. I suspect a LOT of the older celebs are doing some sort of IF treatment nowadays. After all, the rest of us are, and we aren’t filthy rich!

  8. Adding to the posts that think Julia’s twins were IVF. Surprised you didn’t mention Nicole Richie’s pending baby from her 85 pound body. Sickness I tell you. Let’s all relax, take drugs, relieve ourselves of all body fat and drive backwards on a freeway. We’ll await our jail sentences together but at least we’ll be pregnant. Oh and I heard she got pregnant to try to avoid jail, how’s that for a reason?

  9. Thanks for the laugh — the “I’m too sexy” thing cracked me up! And, I know exactly how you feel. I can’t stand to walk past a magazine rack these days! Wishing you the best of luck.

  10. Look at you, feeling my pain when it comes to the every celebrity is pregnant phenomenon…

    I love DListed.com’s take on the celebrity rumors of pregnancy, “So that means basically everyone but like 3 people in this world are knocked up. My dining table has been looking a little fat lately. That bitch is probably knocked up.”

    I couldn’t have said it better myself.

    But are you seriously going to give up on Trent at PITNB? I love him so much more than Perez Hilton….

  11. Hahahaha. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one checking the gossip sites. BTW–I loved that Dr. Phil quote so much it’s now part of my email sig.

    So sorry about the disappointment this month with AF looming. The signs (zits) are so annoying! I mean come on already. Isn’t it enough to just to have to deal with the gore of it all? Must we have break-outs, cramps and crying spells too?

  12. Hi, I’m Lindsay, and I’m a gossip junkie.

    Page Six is now “confirming” that Christina Aguilera is having a baby.

    At least the gals from the Dixie Chicks have the decency to not only write a song about IF, but actively chronicle some of it in their movie.

  13. Good point, Lindsay, which is one of MANY reasons I admire the Dixie chicks.

    And really? Xtina’s preggers? Oh lord….

  14. I have punished myself for years by reading the celebritybabyblog page. Why? Oh why?
    I’m giving it up. In your honour. Thanks Matthew.

  15. I truly need to read your blog more frequently. Thanks for the laughs! Love it!

  16. Hi there, dropping back in to say thanks for stopping by today. I took tennis lessons as a kid and never could get the hang of it, but hitting something hard sounds REALLY good right now. Maybe I’ll have to dig out my husbands racket…

  17. Hah! Your Right Said Fred reference made me snort. Thanks for the msn link too. I need to get the hubby up to speed on what might be out there for us asap. He is in the blissful ignorance stage when it comes to thinking about how hard it can be to get preggo (except if you are a celeb apparently). I did tell him about your ice pack regimen. I think he is a little freaked out now. The scary sperm-hunting tube visual might push him over the edge.

  18. I try and avoid the celebrity pregnancy stories they just annoy me. I liked the video though, a long time ago in a past life (during my PhD) I did ICSI on opossums, those little guys are hard to catch with that needle, you have to bash them over their heads to stop them wriggling.

  19. Oh, the People magazine. I don’t know if I *can* stay away. I’m such a sucker for that thing.

    If Julia Roberts didn’t do IVF, I will eat the very large straw hat that is sitting in my closet right now. I find it hard to believe that she’s gotten pregnant twice at her age all on her lonesome. Marcia Cross I respect, though, for describing how she skipper her honeymoon to do IVF. Now that’s something a hardcore infertile would do. Cycle above all!

    PS~ Thanks for you nice comment at my blog. Stop by anytime!

  20. Hi and thanks for commenting in my blog. Never read celebrity gossip sites myself, except last year when I needed a celebrity Halloween costume. Whew– glad I don’t have to do that again. But seriously? Tiger is preggers? Is there nothing this man can’t do?

    I wish you clarity on the next step and a quick need of a bedroom repaint.

  21. I appreciate when celebs are honest about their stuggles with fertility. I saw I quote from Julia Roberts that this pregnancy didn’t come easy, something about a long time with thermometers & charts (as if). Maybe some don’t speak out as much about it because they know what a tightrope walk it can be. They don’t want to rub their success in the faces of others who might not be so successful with it.

    Good luck with the move, I hope it goes well.

  22. I can’t believe all the celebrity babies! And of course they are so important that they are on the ticker while I watched GMA…just in case I forgot!

    Good luck with the move!

  23. Everything’s already been said–but I also think Julia did IVF (both times). The other two…well, yeah. I’ve got your back!

    And I also really hope that you find your ticket out very soon.

  24. Its great that some celebs are open about their medical ways of conceiving but it stills bothers me - until the day i get to say “i made this movie so i could afford 40 rounds of IVF if needed” then i dont want to hear about celebs that are pregnant/not pregnant either !!!

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